


Troubled Waters Running Cold

by vodka_and_some_sass



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:27:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22894852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vodka_and_some_sass/pseuds/vodka_and_some_sass
Summary: A month after your break up with Loki, he finds out that you were not okay and comes to visit you.
Relationships: Loki (Marvel)/Reader
Kudos: 46





	Troubled Waters Running Cold

It had been a month since Loki had last seen you. It had been a month since you told him that you couldn’t love him, that you’d be happier without him. A lie that Loki saw through even as you said it to him. A lie that Loki was terrified to call you out on, because he was scared of how volatile you were when your demons surfaced. A lie that was confirmed when he saw your exhausted and feeble frame sink into the wheelchair, dark bags under your dull eyes looking at the grey floor even as your brother placed a blanket on your lap, hiding your bandaged hands from pitying glances. 

Loki saw you startle as your brother opened the door of your hospital room to let him in, stepping out to give both of you some privacy. His instinct to hold you was strong but when he saw you flinch at the step he took towards you, he stopped, pain lancing like a bullet through him as he held himself back. 

“What are you doing here, Loki?”

Your voice was hoarse and emotionless, cold like a knife through Loki’s heart. 

“I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

His voice was soft, strained with the effort of holding back his emotions.

“I’m fine.” 

You weren’t. You wanted to climb into his arms and beg him to hold you, to put your broken pieces back together, any way he liked. You wanted to feel warm, his warmth, for it to dispel the darkness that was consuming you, smothering you so tightly that you had tried to run away from yourself, taking a knife to your wrists in a desperate attempt to cut away the darkness. But you didn’t tell him that. 

“I love you.” Loki’s eyes widened in fear at the words that tumbled out of his mouth before he could bite them back. But they had been said. And Loki could already see you get ready to push him away again, so he let the words flow out, not holding back anything. “I told myself that I hated you but fuck, even though I ended up on the wayside like so many others before me, I love you. I tried to replace every memory we made, and every time I tried, all I could hear were the words I should have said to you.”

This time, Loki could not fight back the urge to hold you so he took two long steps to you, lifting you into his arms as though you weighed nothing, cradling you to his chest as he sat down on the bed, tucking your head under his chin. And you knew you should have pulled away but for once you allowed yourself to be selfish, to be held like you mattered, like you were worth something. 

“I should have seen the signs. I should have fought harder when you started withdrawing from me. I should have-” A sob tore through him, violent and wretched. He held you tight against him, burying his face in your hair to hide the tears that spilled out of his emerald eyes. “I should have seen the storm you tried to weather on your own.” 

Loki had come to be there for you, to let you know that you were not alone. Instead, you were holding him, even as you were wrapped in his arms. Shaking hands rubbed small circles on his back and you let your body relax in his grip. You fought back your own tears when you felt his fall on your shoulder. Pulling back to cup his face, you stared into his watery eyes, using what energy you had left to add firm conviction to your words.

“Do not blame yourself, Loki. You didn’t know and you couldn’t have known.” Your hands fell limply between your shaking bodies. “My brother is sending me to get help. It’s a good place, away from here so I am not haunted. I will be okay.”

Loki did not believe you. He should have known. He should have seen the hurt under the surface, like troubled waters running cold. And he hated himself for missing it. But he knew that your heart, kind to everyone but yourself would worry if he told you. So he just held you, let himself be held by you. He reluctantly let you move off him when the door opened and your brother entered. Loki watched you have a silent conversation with your brother who nodded once. 

“I have to go, Loki.” His heart clenched painfully in his chest. He wanted to beg her to stay, to give him a chance to help her, to find happiness. But he knew she needed to go. You settled back into the wheelchair, wrapping the blanket around you. Your brother turned the chair to wheel you out when you heard a broken whisper behind you.

“Before you go, I need you to tell me. Was there anything I could have said to make your heart beat better? To make it all stop hurting?” 

You couldn’t look at him. You knew that it would be pointless to tell him that there was nothing he could have done. You knew that you had hurt him and you would carry that guilt forever. You knew that time could heal, but this won’t. So in parting, you gave him nothing but an apology, and hoped that he’d forgive you.


End file.
